September 19, 2021
Every Reason I’ve Ever Swiped Left

As a single lady in her 20’s with workaholic introvert tendencies, dating apps are basically the only chance I have to meet anyone. After doing a fair amount of research, I stumbled upon Bumble, an app created by Tinder co-founder Whitney Wolfe whose aim was to change the dating scene. The gimmick is that the ladies need to reach out to the men that match with them first and only have 24 hours to do so (but either person in a gay couple are free to reach out at the same time in case you’re wondering).

This saves the lady from unwarranted attention from creepers, which is basically all I received while on OKCupid (that’s another blog for another day). As far as dating apps go, Bumble is great. It does exactly what it says it does, but essentially functions like any other dating app out there. That being said — this isn’t a review of Bumble. This is a review of the profiles of men I’ve seen there.

Now let me start with a disclaimer: I don’t think the guys I’m about to critique are at fault here, or that they’re terrible people in general. They just seem to be following a trend that drives me absolutely insane. You know, like duck lips!

Anyway, here’s the list:

The Blank Profile

I have seen tons of attractive men on Bumble with nothing in their description. Bumble wants 300 characters or less. That’s it! If you don’t have any indication of your personality, how am I supposed to even guess how well we’d get along? Also: Just putting your Instagram in your description drives me crazy. Some girls may love the opportunity to stalk you on social media, but I’d rather find out about you from you — not your #sundaybrunch tag.

The Not-So-Subtle Ex Crop

A lot of guys are bad at cropping photos. Really bad. It’s like they think that if you can’t see a woman’s face, she’s suddenly invisible! But if I glance through your photos and half of them are you with this faceless wonder, with your arm around her, it’s pretty obvious who she is. It also makes me wonder: Do you not have any photos of yourself without her?

The Mysterious Sunglasses

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but either way, I want to see your entire face. If all of your photos are you wearing sunglasses, I can only assume you have something to hide or are some sort of secret agent. And we all know what happens to 50% of Bond Girls. Seriously, though: You can take a selfie indoors once in awhile.

The Overused ‘Standards’

Take a drink of your favorite brand of alcohol if you’ve ever seen the following shots on a man’s profile: showing off a freshly-caught fish, posing on top of or in front of a mountain, holding a cuddly dog or cat, standing shirtless or showing off their abs in front of a bathroom mirror (bonus points if they’re staring at their phone and not at the camera!). Chances are, a lot of us have just taken 4 hearty gulps.

And I get it, guys, I get it! Those are the shots of what makes you you. You like the outdoors. You like fishing. You love your pet. You like posing in front of the mirror and feeling sexy. That is all well and good and more power to you, but it’s so hard to get noticed if all you do is follow the crowd! There has to be more to you than that — that’s what us ladies are looking for! So be sure your default photos on your dating apps are the ones that make you stand out.

The Terrible Decisions

That being said, there are some profile photos that I’ve seen that absolutely terrify me. Like the ones of boys shooting guns! And I don’t mean pistols, oh no, I mean AK47 Assault Rifles. A lot of these guys tend to be in the military or have access to guns legally (I’d hope) due to their profession, but personally, bragging about the heat you’re packing turns me off immediately. Every violent gun crime or gun-related tragedy immediately flashes through my mind and I immediately say ‘no thanks’. The other major no-no for me is photos of guys wearing T-shirts that clearly display words like whore or bitch on it. Normally, profanity doesn’t bother me — but maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to associate my future beau with such terms at first glance. Maybe.

I really do try to give men a chance on dating apps and sites like Bumble, because I know that most of the offenses listed above aren’t intentionally committed.What it comes down to is that anyone — men or women and everyone in-between — seeking love online needs to really put their best foot forward. No matter how jaded you may be with the process, it never hurts to put forth the effort to share the most genuine version of you.

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